You might want to visit the bathroom before reading...

...because there is a 75% chance you're going to wet your pants while reading this.  Especially if you haven't been keeping up with your kegals.

The other night I was relaxing in my new recliner, kicked back, feet up, happy that the last kid was finally down for the night.  Hobbit walked by, and feeling gracious, I invited him up to my lap for a snuggle.  Normally he jumps up on one of the arms, or on the foot if it's raised.  But not this night.  He meowed and sniffed and gopher-peeked and started circling my chair, looking for a place to land.  Around and around, 3 or 4 times.  On his last circuit I looked to my left, expecting him to appear from behind the chair.  But no.

I heard a scrambling sound, then extreme pain as Hobbit jumped up on the back of the recliner and landed on my head with his front feet.  One set of claws lodged firmly in my scalp, hanging on for dear life, the other tangled in my hair as his back feet scrambled for purchase.  I had 19 pounds of cat hanging from my scalp.  I grabbed at hair with one hand and started smacking Hobbit with the other while screeching for John.  Because everyone knows that when a cat is scared, smacking it and yelling at the top of your lungs is bound to help the situation.  Right?

John came running, Hobbit was finally able to free himself, and through my tears I explained to John what had just happened.  Upon examination, John found 3 puncture wounds in my scalp, bleeding like only a head wound can.  All husbandly concern, he asked me if I wanted him to clean the wounds out with peroxide.  He paused for a beat..."or would that just bleach out your hair?"  At that point we started laughing.  Well, John laughed and I laugh/cried.  I decided that since Hobbit doesn't use a litter box, his claws are probably fairly disease-free, and I would just take a shower and give my head a good scrubbing with good ole' Suave 2-in-1.  So far no sign of gangrene, so I think it was the right choice.

I woke up the next day with a killer headache and a crick in my neck.  Attack by monster cats is the #17 reason for chiropractic visits, dontcha know?  Today I am fully scabbed and still scalp-tender.  Cat better watch it or he's next in line for a scalping.