Because we could all use a little more joy

So, you know how in my Christmas letter I said something like "no plans for babies in the near future"?  Yeah, that didn't last long.  In the week before Christmas, John and I started talking about having another child.  We were both hesitant, I mean, we're SO tired!  But we both felt like it was time.  John mentioned that when he watched the chidren play together, it felt like someone was missing.  I felt like someone was already there, running along the fringes of my eyesight, desperate to jump in and play.  We prayed about it.  Alot.  I just was not getting a clear answer.  I felt like my "natural man" was crowding out the spirit.  I went to the Temple a couple days after Christmas, hoping to get a clearer answer.  I did, and I wasn't happy about it, to be quite honest.  I had a running commentary going in my head, listing all the reasons why I couldn't do this.  Then a clear voice said to me something that I say to Libby and Jaina all the time, what I call the Number One Rule Of The House: "Obey with a happy heart".

On Christmas Eve I was standing in the kitchen with Joyce (my SIL), cooking schnitzel, and telling her why I wasn't going to have a baby for a while yet.  I told her that just once, I wanted to be happy when I found out I was pregnant.  I was ecstatic the first time I found out I was pregnant.  Overjoyed.  That joy was short-lived, when, a few weeks later, I found out I had miscarried.  A few months went by, the darkest of my life, and when I finally recovered physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I got pregnant with Libby.  I was terrified the whole 9 months that I was going to lose her. 

The next pregnancy was an accident (but a good one).  We were living in a hotel, financially strapped, and had decided that I needed to go to work full time.  When I saw those two pink lines my first reaction was "crap".  We altered our plans, decided to go back to renting instead of buying a house, I got a part-time job, and 9 months later Jaina was born. 

When Jaina was four months old I felt strongly that I needed to have another child.  It took me three months to convince John.  I nursed Jaina through my first trimester.  I was exhausted.

I was determined that the next time I got pregnant, it wouldn't be until I could be ecstatic again.  So there I was, sitting in the Temple, dreading what was to come, when those words were spoken to me.  "Obey with a happy heart".  After I laughed a bit (well, a subdued chuckle, I was trying to be reverent), I started thinking.  I realized that the only thing that would prevent me from being truly happy about a new baby would be myself, and only myself.  And I decided right then and there that I was going to be happy, dang it! 

I was pretty surprised it happened so fast.  I guess I shouldn't have been, based on past experience.  But when I took that test last week, before there were really any signs other than a stubborn elevated temperature and the fact that I could suddenly smell the neighbor's dirty socks from my bedroom (John calls it my super-smell, a classic pregnancy sympton for me), I was actually surprised when it came out positive.  So surprised that we went out that same day to get another one, which I took a couple days ago with the same results.  And I tell you what, when I saw those two lines (blue this time), I was goofy with joy.  Absolutely goofy with it.  I couldn't stop laughing and smiling and at least three times a day since then I've pulled that test out of the trash (I know, it's gross, but come on) just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

I am still exhausted.  More so, now that I'm growing another person.  I don't expect that to change, really, at least not until the kids have moved out.  I know some people are shaking their heads at me.  I'd be shaking my head at me if I were them, I think, but I hope they understand just how amazingly right this is for my little family.  The next 10 years or so are going to be so unbelievingly chaotic, and so amazingly joyful.  I just can't wait.