It's a Mom thing, you wouldn't understand

"Are you sure you're not having a boy? You're carrying kinda low", spoken by my Sister Sarah at Easter. Little did she know, she hit the nail on the head. No, I'm not sure.

I know, I know, my doctor said it's a girl. But he learned how to do OB ultrasounds by practicing on pregnant women that came into the ER. Whether after a car accident or for a sinus infection, if they sported a belly, he asked them "can I take an ultrasound of your baby?" Who could turn down that offer? So with no formal training, my faith in his statement of "I'm pretty sure it's a girl...yeah, pretty sure...maybe" isn't very strong.

And then there's the mother's intuition. You ladies know what I mean. That feeling that something is "off", that something just isn't lining up right. I feel unsettled, antsy, almost itchy inside when I think about this baby being a girl. We had a name all picked out, then we changed the middle name, then we talked about changing the first name, and now the baby is nameless as we struggle with the fact that I just don't think this is a girl.

This past week I washed and sorted all of Libby's old 0-6 month baby clothes. I held up my favorite outfits, expecting to be excited at being able to use them again. Instead, the words that came into my mind were "this isn't going to be used again. Not for this baby". It wasn't a morbid or forbidding voice, more amused. Then I picked up a little green gown and my immediate reaction was "oh, so sweet!" Hmm.

I went to Target to pick up a few things and browsed through the baby clothes, seeing what was on sale. I couldn't even look at the pink, it was an almost involuntary action. I went straight for the greens and yellows, because I ama fraid to commit myself to blue trucks just yet. So I bought a few neutral gowns and onesies and a cute little green romper with stars on it. And I brought them home. And I love them. and I oohed and aahed and ran to show John when he got home. But I left them in the packaging so they can be returned if we do end up with a girl.

It's not that I'm hoping for a boy. I'm not. Boys smell and make messes and we have hardly anything for a boy to wear. And I was looking forward to Libby having a sister to play with. But something tells me that isn't going to happen just yet. So my home birth kit is stocked with white and green and yellow gowns and onesies and rompers and blankets and clear pacifiers. And the crib bedding my mom bought is in the same color, with frogs. All the room accessories I have bought - storage cubes, changing pad covers, lapshade, etc are green. So we're safe either way.

Basically, we are as prepared either way, and now when people ask us if Libby is expecting a brother or a sister I say "we're not sure", or "the results were inconclusive", and when people ask the name I say "I have no idea", because I don't. I did restrain myself from correcting my midwife last week when she reffered to the baby as "her" and "she", but at home we are back to "it". And we are teaching Libby to say "Brother", just in case.